It was whatever killed all those people in "The Stand".

I spent the whole weekend sick in bed. The best thing I can say about it was that THANK GOD the worst was on a weekend when Kevin was home. Publicly I'd like to acknowledge my husband as the domestic rock God that he is - he did two birthday parties, dishes, even weatherstripped our drafty back door. [At one point I was begging him to use the drill to open up pressure holes in my face, but he declined.]

The three of them ate Kix all weekend and are filthy, but WHO CARES. I was in bed watching back to back episodes of "Shahs of Sunset" in my feverish stupor. I could not have done it without that man.

Today is a school holiday, so we can stay at home and I can recover for one more day. My husband, I'm sure, is happy to be headed back to the relative calm of the office, where no one is shouting "But I had it FIRST". Presumably. You never know with lawyers.

My house! I have not updated on my house in way too long. Everything that could be accomplished on our list without using the driveway and yard has been done. I walk from room to room and just wonder where all the extra space came from. There will always be trouble zones where things accumulate, but I'm just so damn proud of us. I really have to acknowledge Stephanie again for providing the list that I worked from. It was simple and effective and broke everything down perfectly for my ADHD brain.

I still want my multi-level home addition, but I can honestly say that without all the extra clutter, I have a vision for how we can make this house work for us in the here and now. I thought I'd take a minute to outline my goals for the next part of my home project - maintaining the glory.

1] Springtime clean out of the garage and basement.
2] Yard sale - whatever does not sell will be dropped off at Goodwill later that day.
3] Redo kids rooms to make them more practical - bunk beds for Vans room and a trundle for Scarlett. Remove extra furniture and sell. Purchase book shelf "slings" for each of their rooms.
4] New furniture for our bedroom that can provide more storage. The old set is beautiful, but inconvenient to say the least. I'd like to sell them and purchase something more practical. Reevaluate our furniture placement and try to maximize space.
5] Redo the art and photos on our walls to make the space seem more finished and decorated.

It's good to have goals.

Toys, Day 1.

Yesterday I spent most of my morning emptying our downstairs toy bins, sorting the contents, returning lost things to their rightful places and discarding broken and mismatched items. I placed some things into a bag for my daughter to go through to decide what she would like to donate, and managed to get all of the trains and tracks happily organized in their own drawers.

I stood back and looked at my work and beamed.

Then my kids got home from school. Dammit.

That was Toys, Day 1. Toys, Day 2 has to wait until tomorrow because today I get to go on a preschool field trip [What a joke that is. I'm expected to drive my child to the site, lose a morning of productivity, AND pay for it. Yay.] The best part is that we will be spending this wintry morning stomping through the woods learning how to tap maple trees.

Did I mention that my son does not like maple syrup? Yes. This will be fun.

Michael's - you complete me. [But don't tell Target, she's a jealous freak.]

I'll let you in on something that no one told me. Kids come with a shit-ton of crafting supplies. Doesn't matter how you resist, you will end up with the Michael's app on your phone, and you WILL get excited when you see a coupon pop up for 25% off your total order.

The craft slash art box had become unmanageable, and had taken up residence on top of a cabinet in the dining room, and I could only really grab the supplies on top. Yesterday the entire bin was emptied and sorted, then all of the crafting supplies were replaced. The art supplies are going to have to find a new container, but they will both be lidded and accessible to children who PROMISE to replace everything when they are done creating.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

*whew* Sometimes you just need a good laugh, you know?

I'm slowing down on the list now. There are two major indoor items left to be tackled - the linen closet and the kids toys. I'm looking forward to both, but the former really needs a time while the kids are occupied downstairs with their dad, and the toys need to be done on a morning when both of them are at school. While my daughter is not particularly attached to toys, my son would gladly go to his grave clutching a broken piece of McDonald's Happy Meal crap. He would paint his face blue and scream "You will never take our Victorious hair brush/microphone with the peeling stickers!"

The remainder of the list encompasses the basement and the garage, two places that Kevin and I have agreed that we need to tackle together. At the moment, the wind chill outside is about negative a billion, so I'm willing to give a pass on nagging about the garage for now. FOR NOW.

But she was very excited to wear underpants.

The good news:

The cast is off!

The bad news:

No weight bearing for another 3 weeks.

The good news:

They fitted her for a walker!

The bad news:

She looks drunk when she uses it.

Speaking of, I'm seriously considering taking up alcoholism as a hobby. You know, I sew, I read, I drink. Somehow I suspect the possibility of this no weight bearing rule wasn't mentioned on purpose, because first rule of pediatrics: TRY NOT TO FREAK OUT THE PARENTS. No weight bearing for a 6 year old. Ha.

[Best part of the day yesterday; the techs asked my daughter if she wanted to keep the cast. She said "I don't want to see it, ever again." Amen, sister.]

This time around, she can tell you exactly what she thinks of the cast. Also, we will be doing theatre camp this year.

Bad news. No Hoffa.

Coat closet, done. For someone who claims she hates wearing coats, I sure do own a lot of them. Some went off to the Snooty Fox, the others headed out for donation. You no longer have to live in fear of something falling on your head if you wish to approach the only closet downstairs.

Speaking of consigning things, did you know it takes longer than one week to get people to buy your crap? Me too. I certainly haven't called 3 times.

I'm now one day behind, but all is good. As long as I continue to purge, I am calling it a win. My house will never be a show room, because for every 10 items I remove from my house, I figure at least 2 work their way back in. [Dammit, you children, and your never empty backpacks.] I've developed a smaller goal as I've worked through the list, that for the time being, all I'm purchasing are consumables. But at the end of the 40 days, we should be free of so many things that were just taking up space in our lives.

Jesus, I sound like a hippie. While I recognize the importance of what we are accomplishing in this house, part of me would like to just go to Nordstroms and buy some shoes.

If I knew I was going to find THAT I would have started this years ago.

Cleaned out the big bathroom yesterday. I have been showering with a headless Ariel doll for so long that it doesn't even bother me anymore. Poor Ariel. She just wanted feet and my kids mistook her for Marie Antoinette.

I cleared out a full trash bag of half empty lotions, deodorants, busted hair ties, and icky bath toys. My shelves are functional again. I'm keeping a mental list of my favorite items that are being unearthed as I do this, and yesterday's grab was two sample bottles of La Mer skin products. I haven't shopped at a store that even SELLS La Mer since before Van was born, and unless Target strikes a deal for french cosmetics anytime soon, I'm going to have to savor these little beauties.

Just past the halfway point in this project I have an observation. I'm working upstairs at the moment, and I find that if I let my guard down, the first floor of the house quickly gets overrun again. I realize that the goal of this is rid my home of upwards of 400 items, freeing us from being owned by our stuff. And I love that parts of my house are so much more relaxing - but when you have a busy family of 4 [or 3, or 6, or whatever] things come back into your life very quickly. I really do not want to feel like I've made this colossal effort only to look around in 3 months and wonder where all my lovely surfaces went.

I originally started this post on Tuesday, but unfortunately we had some health issues crop up in my family, and for the first time I had to skip a day while I helped out. Everyone is going to be just fine, and I will hopefully return to my list tomorrow. I have to clean out our main coat closet, and I'm actually a little excited. I expect to find Hoffa. -L.

Despite my personal feelings about the Forty Niners, I am happy for Kevin.

Mostly because it would have been dreadful to live with him for the next week if they had lost.

My kids are not particularly phased by their normally peaceful father screaming obscenities at the television. I mean honestly, he's practically a Buddhist among the chaos of this family until one of his teams is in trouble. I should say that he tries very hard NOT to scream obscenities out loud. It's like watching Bender say "Eat...my...socks..." to Mr. Vernon and knowing that he doesn't mean socks. 

I've started on my closets. Saturday was one of the most satisfying days I've had since I started this project. The closet in Van's room originally held my dressier clothing for work and other events. Over the years it became a bit of a dumping ground. It was a thrill to empty it and sort the things I will never wear again [Oh, Theory pants. I think you and I both know that I'll never squeeze a thigh back into you. Good luck at the Snooty Fox. Someone will love you again.] because my most formal events these days involve being the mystery reader for my daughter's kindergarten class. I think clean yoga pants fit that bill just fine.

The closet now has enough room to store things for my children, which frees up space in their actual rooms. I understand that this is how other people actually use their closets. 

Yesterday I gave myself a day off, so today I resume work in our bedroom. If I'm not out in a week, alert A&E. 

Halfway there.

Today I crossed the 20th item off of my list. I'm halfway home, and 2 days ahead of schedule. [With Kevin's help, we knocked a couple extra things off that were his domain. But not the man stereo. That is still down there, mocking me.]

I turned the page and saw the next thing I've been dreading. Master closets. We only have one closet in our room, but each of us have a peripheral closet in another room. Kevin cleaned his out not that long ago, and he doesn't ever buy new clothes so he's done. I...I...I can't say the same. Remember in the old timey radio shows where the hapless dad would open the hall closet and listeners would hear years of clutter crashing down? That plus a shit ton of shoes.

I wish I could quit you, Target.

Well, maybe she's not a cat, but she does remind me of a guinea pig.

In other news, my dog hung herself yesterday.

By a paw, but still. She got herself tangled in a very heavy blanket on the couch while we were out, and was dangling when I found her. One trip to the vet later, Alice is fine. Her foot is sprained, and she'll limp around for a few days, but she will be OK.

In other news, I'm really good at over-reacting. I thought for sure they would have to amputate; I'd have a three legged dog, and we'd have to rename her "Lucky". That dog is a cat. She has survived eating a rock, a boxer attack, accidental ingestion of a nutella sandwich, that time we thought she ate an eraser, and now this.  I'm afraid to add them up - how many lives does she have left? Four? Do pugs get extra for being so dumb? [I know, I know. She's my child. I love her. But o.m.g. that dog is not smart.]

At one point the vet said that if the leg was broken they would have to cast her and I could do nothing but laugh. Cast. Sure. Go right ahead.

Today I attack Van's dresser. Long overdue. Also, the only piece of furniture we've gotten at Ikea that makes me crazy. The bottom drawer likes to fall apart, so while it's empty today I'm going to glue the shiz out of it. Then I'm going to put a picture on Pinterest and tell everyone it's made out of pallets I got on Craigslist.

Well, she said "make a list".

Item 18. Furniture I don't need.

A computer desk.
A Naugahyde barrel chair with matching ottoman that someone claims as his "gaming chair".
A three fold screen/photo display.
A broken crib.
A dainty Tinkerbell chair that likes to fall over when children try to sit in it.
A small table in the upstairs hall that has seen better days. [I might actually pinterest this into a nightstand for Scarlett.]

I should be starting on sorting the kids clothes, since this list took me all of 5 minutes, but I think perhaps I will reheat my coffee and read until it's time to pick up Van. [Lest you think I'm starting to slack, I did do a sweep of the first floor to tidy things that lost their way. Also, I did the dishes. I should get a tattoo that says "Also, I did the dishes."]

Seriously - we don't watch The Office anymore. We can sell Season 1, Kevin.

The upside of being in the house all the time: I have the time and motivation to continue working on the house. Surfaces continue to be revealed.

The downside of being in the house all the time: Children like to make messes. I spend as much time cleaning up after them as I do trying to get new things organized.

Scarlett's cast comes off on January 30th. There will be one more X-ray, and then a teeny, tiny chance of another cast for a couple of weeks. I'm practically force feeding the child milk and dairy to prevent that from happening, but it seems like whenever we have a "small chance" of something bad happening [see: open heart surgery] we fall on the wrong side of the odds. But onward we plow, hoping against hope that we will see her skinny legs revealed at the end of the month. I will gladly give up the extra organization time if it means my girl can get herself to the potty all by herself.

The early part of this week is a soft lob, so to speak. I have to do kids artwork/cards/creations today and I keep a pretty tight handle on that stuff. I cannot tell you how many times I've been busted by someone seeing their precious art in the garbage. I've thrown my husband under the bus many times. "Uh, dad must not have known how IMPORTANT that particular picture of the unicorn was. Here, let me clean the coffee grounds off of him. Oh, sorry. Of course. Unicorns are ALWAYS girls. How silly of me."

Also, there was some passive aggressive movement in the sell piles this weekend. Some things I had added mysteriously migrated back out. I returned them. They disappeared. How intriguing.

I also realized that if we do get a yard sale organized, I'm going to have to dispense with my children for the morning. There is no way I'm going to deal with a 6 year old crying because I'm selling her copy of The Collected Works of A Certain Monkey Who Just. Won't. Stop. Being. Curious. [and a bit of an asshole, if you ask me.] I'm not kidding, each story is at least 90 pages long and full of the worst parenting advice ever. Man in the Yellow Hat? You sir, are a monkey enabler. Set some boundaries.

Once I clean out the medicine cabinet, I can fill it with Doan's Back Pills.

I did my first donation run yesterday. It wasn't much, a box of toys that had been already pre-screened for unworthiness by my daughter, and an additional box of children's books that were much loved, but no longer read. It wasn't a lot, but it had to go. I find if I leave things in the house that are headed out for donation, little hands find them and they end up right back where they started.

Today is children's books, day 2. Yes. I know, I probably could have left the boxes in the car until I was done, but the upstairs collection is primarily in Scarlett's room, and because we read those frequently, I know those are mostly going to stay. They just need to be organized on her bookshelf.

Tomorrow starts adult books, day 1. I know, I know, no peeking. But since today is light, I might make a go of accumulating my addiction all in one place to make it easier to sort. My book buying has fallen off steadily in the last few years because of the convenience of electronic readers, and I use the library more for new releases. But parting with my old friends? My moldy old copy of Owen Meany? A beat up Shakespeare anthology with notes in the margins? Impossible. Sophie's choice. I weep.

My back is killing me from all the lifting, but my spirits rise daily as my house is starting to open up. My kitchen is tidy, if not spotless, and the living room slash we-live-in-1600-square-feet-and-do-everything-in-here-who-are-you-kidding room has been denuded of its outdated magazines and catalog piles. The dining room and toy storage facility no longer has a corner that gives me heart palpitations. I no longer walk into those rooms shudder, groan and say "ugh...this HOUSE!"

Of course, my back is also killing me from the contortions I go though twice a week to balance my daughter so she can have a "real" bath, albeit one not in the tub, just next to it. We do get her hair washed, however, and she smells pretty again. That and the lavender oil on her cast do a world of good to the senses. I can cuddle with her again, or rather, cuddle with her top third. It will have to do for now. Last night we laid in bed watching TV, Scarlett on my right arm, Van laying half on top of me to the left. Scarlett laughed and said "You are covered with kids." Yes. I am.

Nibble Nibble...

On tap for the day's sorting is electronic media. DVDs, CDs and the like. I'm going to clean out the cabinet under the TV and sort through all the kids media, but this is really something for Kevin's list, considering the behemoth of the single dude stereo that lives, rent free, in our basement. I have a couple of case logic holders laying around, and as far as I'm concerned, those can be tossed in the sell pile, stat. I suspect the CD tower next to said monstrosity in the basement will be a bit tougher for the owner to part with.

I am starting to wonder if I actually have enough space to store everything for a yard sale. It's amazing to me how much stuff I've gotten rid of, and yet how much stuff there is still to sell. The garage falls much further down on the chore list, but I'm considering moving it up to this weekend. The weather will be warm, and if we get it cleaned out, I'll have some more space for the boxes I have started accumulating, without taking up valuable space in the house. Particularly since tomorrow starts the book portion of the purge, and my book problem meets or exceeds my husbands stereo problem.



Fast forward a few hours. I've cleared out the DVDs and CDs, and decide to get a jump claiming some space in the garage for my boxes. Until I found last summer's slip-n-slide, which appears to have a fan. A fan with small teeth. A fan with small teeth that thinks plastic is tasty.

I'm done in the garage now.

It was really nice. For about an hour.

All that's left to organize in my kitchen is my shelf of cookbooks. Which shouldn't take too long, because I'll NEVER, EVER PART WITH MY BABIES. And when the last shelf is nice and tidy, I'll be moving into my kitchen until the rest of the house is done. I can sleep in Alice's bed and have coffee available 24/7.

Yesterday was my dreaded "misc. kitchen" purge. At some point I convinced Kevin to tackle the desk area, because that has become a landing strip for all things husband. [We got to cross two things off the list! Desk area is separate!] 

Huh, I've just realized a couple of things I had on top of the cabinets above the desk are M.I.A. Will have to check with husband. Perhaps he is better at purging than I thought. Perhaps I might have to find a few more items from our list for him. He has violated his own mantra of "Low expectations." The jig is up, husband. Get to work.

So the kitchen was mostly wrapped up yesterday and it was a lovely place to sit and relax. Until I had to make dinner. You know, if I lived by myself this would all be a lot easier.

Kids are back to school today, and normally I'd be dancing a jig, but I'll be spending the morning with Scarlett in her class, getting her acclimated and helping the teachers figure out how best to move her around. Given the nature of children, she's not concerned in the least - just excited to see her friends and let them sign her cast. I'm a wreck - will anyone be able to pick her up? Will the bathroom work out? Will her friends be kind?

I'll check back. Hopefully with fewer cookbooks. 

Flour Sack Races

Technically, the schedule I'm using allows for weekends off, but because today's chore involves only one drawer [stuffed to the brim as it is], I'm going to knock it out anyway. My task today is "Kitchen Linens". I cop to owning too many kitchen towels, mostly because of how much I don't like laundry.

My favorite towels are the flour sack type. No lint, lightweight, strong and the perfect thing to cover rising dough or warming tortillas. I should go though and purge the rest of the linty, substandard kitchen towels but this then requires me to do more laundry. It's a kitchen conundrum. A Möbius strip of laundry and cooking.

[Ha. Want to see the craft behind my writing? Do you know how long it took me to recall the term "Möbius strip"? How much I had to google stuff like "circle turning back on itself...infinite circle..." I knew what I was looking for but COULD NOT remember the term. I even grabbed a piece of paper and mocked one up, hoping that would trigger it. Finally Wiki came through for me. I really should donate to them. And I will. Next time. Along with NPR.]

OK, I'm stalling. Kids are still sleeping, so I'm going to go count my flour sacks. 

Her Roller Derby Name is "Scarlett O'Terror"

A couple of notes on today's purge:

We do not have enough wall space in this entire house to hang as many pictures as I have picture hangers.

How many wine keys does one family need? Apparently the answer is: 6. We each have one, a backup, and the back up has a back up. JUST IN CASE. [Seems silly, considering I usually drink straight from the box.]

And finally, so THAT'S where the cooking twine was!

After tomorrow, I will be done with the kitchen drawers and the cooking/eating cabinets. I made the mistake of glancing ahead and seeing "misc. kitchen" for the day after tomorrow. I weep. The rest of my kitchen could be categorized as miscellaneous. See? This is why I wasn't reading ahead.

The upside of Scarlett being back in a cast is that we are stuck at home quite a bit, so I've had plenty of time for this project. Yesterday we ventured out to the library, where I watched as my daughter rolled into not 1, but 2 elderly gentlemen who were probably already bitter about my temporary handicap sticker. Scarlett is under the impression that she is quite proficient at driving her wheelchair, but I think our branch librarian would probably disagree. Scarlett rolled up to the counter. Excuse me, she rolled INTO the counter, and in her sweet little voice, demanded books about unicorns, or she would "tear up the place, roller derby-style."

Not really, but she bumped into a whole lot of book cases. Also, she can't reshelve for shit.

How to Eat a...What's Bigger Than An Elephant?

So, as part of my New Years Resolutions, I'm vowing to DECLUTTER our home. I keep telling my husband that I'm not a hoarder, I'm just lazy. The professional organizers slash therapists would be bored with me. They would hold up a magazine ad card with a phone number scrawled on it and I would call out in a sing-song voice "Pitch it!". Next would be my daughter's kindergarten art and I would intone "Trash it!". My marriage license? Garbage! Who needs it? Give me counter space!

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I want someone else to do all the work. Alas, no one from A&E has shown up to help, so I'm on my own.

I found this link on Pinterest  "8 Weeks to a Less Cluttered Home" and really liked the way Stephanie broke everything down into bite-sized chunks. I've printed off her PDF and stuck it on my bulletin board and am working my way down the list. Today is day 3, and I can't stop going back to the little bits I've done and admiring my work. I'm actually trying not to read too much ahead, because then it all becomes overwhelming and I crawl back into bed and watch The Kardashians, which helps no one. I just check the list in the morning, and see what I'm cleaning out that day.

I have created a small space to place things to be either sold or donated, so I'm hoping to have a yard sale in the spring. Perhaps with the proceeds we can finally afford that multi-floor home expansion I covet.

Or go to Skyline for dinner. Whatever.